Chronically Counting

I'm either awaiting something or recovering from something ... but if it's not one it's the other. Sometimes simultaneously, but I don't enjoy doing double duty at ALL, which is precisely where I find myself this month.

Having just gotten back from The Land of the Grandson a week ago and anticipating a visit to an new LLMD (Lyme Literate Medical Doctor) in ten days has me in a bit of a twitter (no social media pun intended.) I realize this is No Big Deal for the normal healthy person, a slightly abnormal healthy person, or even a normal slightly unhealthy person. But I don't fit into any of those categories anymore. I've been unpacking and resting up from my trip westward while trying to pack and emotionally prepare for my trip eastward. The truth is, I'd rather be with my darling boy, who slept seven hours the other night, than in the hinterlands of the Midwest anticipating a 12 hour road trip (one way.)

I've been fretting all day, not feeling well, and trying to both get my taxes done as well as get my paperwork in order for my trip to the LLMD. Of course, I'm missing ONE key element to finish my tax prep and couldn't find the info on where to stay for a reasonable price outside this major city I'll be visiting. Both had me near tears, the latter convincing me I've truly lost my mind and will probably never remember where I left it. Thankfully I live in small quarters with very little belongings so looking through them all took maybe 15 minutes, and no ... I didn't find what I was missing. I quantum leaped to "I'm going to need to go into a nursing home" only to receive an email reminding me that accommodation recommendations were on the doctor's website. Oh. So I'm not crazy; I haven't lost my mind; I didn't misplace anything and yeah, this is SO just like living the Vida Lyme Life. Wait. Not just like. This is it ...

To be fair, one of my dear friends is taking me and I'm not only looking forward to spending time with her, but am thankful she'll be there with me when I get "the news" ... whatever it may be. I'm trying to prepare myself for "it" by telling myself that no matter what I'm a fighter, a survivor, and a pray-er; and that no matter what if G-d is for me than who can be against me? Except"who" isn't an issue. It's the what. Right. Ticks. The ticks are definitely against me.

There are two possible outcomes to this trip.

1. I get another diagnosis of Lyme Disease with a side of compassion and at least three years of long arduous treatment likely to leave me penniless. Go watch "Under Our Skin." Really. Go listen to Dr. Richard Horowitz sing "The Ballad of the Deer Tick." Really. Three years will be LUCKY and this is on top of 11 years of illness (seven of them while "legally" disabled.) So how do I feel about this? Scared. Excited. Scared. Hopeful. Scared. Thankful. Scared. Encouraged. And scared.

2. I get told that, YES, there's definitely something physically wrong with me, but doctor #30 Something can't figure it out either. How do I feel about THIS? Scared. Disappointed. Scared. Relieved. Scared. Resigned. Scared. Comfortable in familiar circumstances. And scared.

So, given a choice I really don't have, which door do I want? The one with the diagnosis and treatment, please. Because after all fighters, survivors and, most of all, pray-ers always win.