Sunday, August 23, 2009

Sunday ...

Ahhh, the joys of college aged sons! The three of us cleaned out Mr. Sensitive's room and now he and The Baby and depositing things in appropriate places. It feels SOOO good to have the third floor ready to go. Of course I mostly delegated, but will admit to unscrewing the cover off the vacuum so Mr. Sensitive could change the fan belt. Fan belt? Is that just a car thing? But it was a belt of some description.

I slept for almost 12 hours last night. Not sleep sleep ... but that twilight stuff I've come to know as sleep during the past two years. Take the sleep med, sleep two hours ... wake up and take OTC stuff, sleep for a few more hours on and off, on and off for a total of about 12.

We ate breakfast together and I was cranky. Having no income it makes it harder to feel good about spending money at ALL ... even on "together time." I've always been a very frugal person but when the kids are together I do whatever I feel I need to do to provide fun quality time ... and for us that means eating out. So we always have when we're together .... but now? I had a cup of coffee for breakfast. It was weird .. I tried to be all cavalier about it, but neither of them bought it.

It's almost fall like outside and both younger sons are anxious for the college lives to start again. It's enchanting seeing ones sons grow up ... take Russian, economics and talk about "important things." Things that adults no longer have the luxury of ... politics, not just US stuff but foreign policy, styles of government, what the Constitution REALLY says. Good stuff. Of course, there're clothing decisions to me made each year. Eurotrash or J Crew?

Sitting here with Mr. Sensitive watching a movie and commenting that it both smells and feels like fall. We took a drive and passed a field of ripening apples .. made all of us nostalgic.

Off to bed.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Saturday ...

While The Baby and Mr. Sensitive were doing some brotherly bonding today ... I went to a healing prayer conference.

Ok. I hadn't meant to introduce spirituality into my blog QUITE so early in the game, but it appears I'm going to need to.

I'm a Christian and a democrat. Yes, it's possible. I believe the bible is the Word of G-d and that Yeshua was a radical liberal who, no doubt, was probably a socialist and would DEFINITELY support Obama's health care reform.

The conference was great. Superb, in fact, but it did make me think a LOT about why I'm not getting better. OTHER people w/CFS get better ... 80% w/in the first year, although the average length of illness is ten years. Some people NEVER get better and, in fact, get progressively worse. I'm on year 8 myself.

I had people pray for me at last night's session and this morning there was a message someone was healed of CFS. I claimed it. I believe the Word of G-d and I KNOW that people healed. So why not me!? There don't seem to be any clear answers on this one to me. There is no condemnation in Yeshua. I'm in Yeshua so therefore I am not condemned. My healing is not my responsiblity, therefore my not healing isn't either, right??


But I felt pretty good last night and I felt pretty good today. Able to get around just fine, no need for my cane or anything ... didn't even wish I had parked in a handicapped place. So ... am I healed?

I head home full of vigor and hopes for the rest of my afternoon. I get home, sit down, and BLAM ... full force CFS crash. Many symptoms return. I am EXHAUSTED. Is it normal exhaustion or is is CFS exhaustion? I don't know. But I DO know whatever it is isn't my "fault." I'm done taking the blame for my body.

On the LTD/SSD front I did open some kind letters from the good folk at my LTD company, Assurant, who have assured me my LTD has ended because I haven't gotten SSD within a 24 month window. Graciously, they have offered me the opportunity to appeal my case. Right.
If this is anything like the State of MI allowing me to appeal my SSD denial it ain't no picnic. And for a person of questionably healed state and lounging on the couch trying to catch her breath, I'm in no mood to trifle with Assurant, or my dear personal representative who refused to tell me whether or not he preferred to be addressed as Bob or Robert. All I wanted to do is make sure my ERISA lawyer addressed the envelope promptly. This question caused Bobert much distress and all he could get out was, "YOUR STATE ALLOWS THIS!" Swell. I asked if I die on the streets before my SSD is granted if my heirs could collect on it. He asked me not to ask questions like that. Uh huh.

Final answer? Yes. If I die on the streets while the State of MI and Assurant Insurance Company are duking it out, yes. My kids get the money.

I think they'd rather have me. Really. Sixty percent of a charter school teacher's salary ain't much.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Friday -

I went to bed all excited about the possibilities of blogging and then had to remind myself of what each and every one of my sons has said about it. It's egocentric, narcissistic, and just generally speaking annoying. And just so "white." Besides it's not even original any more. All good points, I thought ... and then decided, I'll blog anyways.

I tried to think of how once goes about introducing their life ... when the key players in it are real people with personal lives. And, as people and lives go, some are more personal than others! My thoughts turned to Evie, someone who will not mind having her name mentioned. Evie is the, well ... Evie is Evie. She grew up w/my birthfamily and now is a writer in Katonah, NY, not far from the scenes of many of the "crimes" in my life. But I don't want to talk about those. I just want to introduce the players. Were I writing a NOVEL I could thinly disguise their characters w/just a few slight twists every now and then .. but I love most of the "players" (so to speak) and so will protect those who I KNOW will wish to have their identities protected.

Here they are, definitely NOT listed in order of importance

The Professor - the ex. Married to me for 20 years, divorced for 12 and remarried to the Jette.
The Sons:
#1 - The Alpha, married to the truly amazing DIL and happily ensconced in an up and coming life in a big city
#2 - Mr. Music/a musician from birth and now merrily pursuing the hip life on the west coast
#3 - Mr. Sensitive (who will hate this moniker) and is spinning his web as a junior at a university. He dates The Dane (whom I love and knocks some truth into all of us.)
#4 - The Baby/A man child with the confidence of say .. a benevolent dictator, a sophomore at a university.
My mother and father
The brother - Stoner
The bio sibs:
The Good Doctor - married to The Nurse (whom I've never really gotten to know as well as I'd have liked.)
The Jersey Siblings
The dog - Olive
The cat - Larry

Really ... my once upon a time life filled with other people is pretty much gone, so I guess that just about wraps up the characters. Oh, there are personal friends and the occasional boyfriend every now and then, but as they are few and far between, they scarcely necessitate mention.

SO ... here we go.

Mr. Sensitive is in town for the weekend ... needing to renew his license and to pick up some remnants from the apartment of The Professor's recently deceased mother. After very little sleep this week I decided to "buck up" for the weekend and just returned from lunch. We ate, talked, laughed, and I was repeatedly reminded of how he wishes The Baby was with us so they could mock me. Mothers love this in sons. The mocking and all ... I remind him that I am his MOTHER and he reminds me that YES he knows this. I laugh uneasily and subtly drop the fact that should I need caretaking, his name is on the docket. He knows this and tells me I need not tell AGAIN of my dislike for the smell of urine.

I write this from the couch and my most amazing laptop. One of the two disability presents I bought for myself when I naively thought the system would do what it says it will.

NUMBER ONE RULE OF BEING DISABLED: Do not believe people in ANY "system." Really. They lie. Not behind your back, but boldly to your weak, emaciated face. And speak is soothing, sympathetic tones and they smile. Do not be deceived. They don't care, they really, really don't. They need their job just as much as you need the benefits. And when push comes to shove, it's the disabled person on the ground. Remember that.

WAIT. Another group of characters come to mind, two in fact ...
The Moldies - all disabled by, goodness gracious, toxic black mold.
CFS Crew - my friends also disabled by Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, many of them also Moldies.

I'm tired now. Mr. Sensitive is out picking up a cell phone for his former (now hospitalized boss) and The Baby is still at work. Within an hour both will be home and I will get up again and eat.

Until tomorrow ...

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Day One -

It's late and I'm tired ... but it was important to start today. Although all my life I've morphed from one state to another I never ever imagined I'd be disabled by age 54. And I am.

Today was the last day of my LTD payments as I have not yet received SSD. I have too much in savings to get immediate aid, am too educated (M.Ed) to qualify for a lot of funds, own my own home and so can't get housing aid, and generally speaking, "don't qualify." While I've always been able to worm my way out of situations before - today I officially begin slipping through the cracks.

More tomorrow ...