I willed my way through the weekend and Monday was feeling like it was just possible w/a couple more surgeries I MIGHT beat the kidney rap. Until tonight. I'm running a fever, my bladder is in spasms and I can't even put my hand on my lower back. The Good Doctor called me and suggested I head straight for the ER. But I can't AFFORD another visit to the ER. Unfortunately my T4 calm fell completely to pieces and I cried like a two year old. I'm so sorry I call doctors after hours. I'm so sorry I end up in the ER. I'm so sorry my body doesn't cooperate like other people's. I'm just so SORRY because all I want to do is fade to black (which happens to be an EXCELLENT color on me.) I don't mean fade to black forever, I mean I like to be in the background ... or SO in the foreground that I don't even SEE the background. I just don't like feeling stuck in the middle of not a lot of great options. Which is all I can see right now. Not a lot of great options (although I did list a bunch of stuff on bay!) What I am NOT is a "middle woman." I am strong. I am independent. I am my own authority. Until I'm begging for morphine ... and at that point I guess I'm not me at all. Or I'm a me I don't like and need to find a way to assimilate. GEESH. How DO people do disability with grace and style? The DYT's helping w/the style but the grace?
So, I am going to do all those things I say I don't believe it. I am going to visualize my kidneys properly flushing out toxins. I'm going to coach my bladder not to spasm. And I'll be drinking a WHOLE lot of herbal tea to wash down the antibiotics, painkillers, and other assorted pills.
I called Vito and sobbed into the phone ... he, of course, did not ANSWER his phone but it was reassuring just to hear his voice "This is Vito. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can." Except that he inserts his real name, which is actually more Italian than Vito.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AGAIN. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ME/CFS. I DON"T WANT TO BE A DIABETIC. I DON"T WANT KIDNEY ISSUES. I JUST WANT TO BE A NORMAL PERSON.
Is that too much to ask?