So I was surprised when my ME/CFS doctor asked me if I knew what bankruptcy meant yesterday as I sat in her office telling her I didn't even like who I was anymore. I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, and I pretty much wasn't anything but tired. But I do know ... something inside me has shifted this past winter, and I don't like it. So we reviewed my physical symptoms and she asked a few questions about my emotional "state." I leaned forward in my seat as I told her how I could no longer "blow things off" that I used to be able to. Like hypocrites, for example. Or blatant liars and manipulators. Oy. Or politics! I don't even watch the news and I'm a news whore. Now I rely on Vito and the Freedom Fighter for all the goods. Even the rantings of others on fb give me an inking on what's going on Out There. But now I'm rambling.
SHE leaned forward until our knees were almost touching each other and asked me, "Do you know what bankruptcy is?" I straightened myself right up and declared, "Thankfully, I have never BEEN bankrupt nor do I intend to be!" Good heavens. I am sooo financially cautious!
"Oh," she sighed, "but you are!" I bent forward again so my forehead was almost touching hers as she explained to me what being physically bankrupt was. What emotional bankruptcy was. And what it meant to be mentally bankrupt. Then we added up the tab since June ... the wanted yet stunning sale of the family home, the physical act of purging three floors and a basement of "stuff," some intense and life altering personal shake ups, six surgeries w/accompanying anesthesia (thank goodness, yet which I had no IDEA took that long to leave one's system!) etc. etc. And there you have it ... a woman deplete of pretty much everything. Me. Or rather ME.
Because this life with ME/CFS ... one never knows when the Grim Reaper will come and steal what one has left of life force. Waiting to render one a blob on the couch watching "Law and Order" reruns just because. Checking Facebook oh, way too much, and too tired to knit.
Yet now knowing I'm "bankrupt" and will at some point return to my "normal" ME/CFS state has brought a peace with it. Knowing I can wait out this crash w/no shame, no guilt, and no judgment.
So I today I embraced being a "couch potato," had my own version of a grilled cheese sandwich, and called one of the Sons. Life is good.