It ain't easy being Zen -

First of all, I have had the relapse to end all relapses the past month.

I will say if I was watching this happen to someone ELSE I'd say the following.

"Good grief, of course you feel wretched. Within the past year had kidney stones, sold your family home of 2o years, moved into an apartment, gotten your heart ripped out through your nostrils by ... oh never mind, and then spent the winter having five more kidney stone procedures with recurring ER visits. THEN w/in three weeks you saw your traveling musician perform and went to another son's college graduation in another state (literally.) Who do you think you are? SUPER HUMAN? Uber momma? Yeah? Well, you're not. You're a very sick woman eking out an existence on disability whose life has been turned upside down with No Sign of Rt Letting Up Any Time Soon. I"m putting on some tea and getting some scones. You. DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE. You just put your head back down on that pillow. NO. Do not move. I'm going to wash your sheets, empty your cat box, and stock your fridge with healthy "grab and go" food, and what. Do you want me to do your nails? Because I will!"

BUT ... of course since I AM that woman and can only summon up the strength for the occasional cup of tea I mostly sleep on ... well, you just don't need to know that. Yet, I really DO think I should be able to care for myself the way I'd care for others. But it's not happening. Not any time soon if any time At All!

I think it's all very well and good to Live Zen, but when the present is exquisitely painful (literally) what's so wrong about not being there? What's so wrong with zoning out in a haze of pleasant "healthy" memories? What's so wrong with recounting the loves of ones's youth? Or the children that are now adults? The gardens once sooo well tended and planned for all winter long. What's so wrong with that? What's so wrong with seeing a picture of a pasture in the mountains and envisioning oneself stretched out there under a warm (no humidity!) summer sun? Imagining not yet conceived grandchildren? Imagining strong and healthy offspring meeting their personal and professional goals. Can a disabled momma ask for more? I think not ... and it's pleasant to think about. Beats the bejabbers out of wanting to chew off one's legs.

I'm tired now. Ok, I'm tired always but I've been in bed for three hours post sleeping pill and have yet to fall asleep. Of course I'm typing and a cat on my shoulder isn't helping either.

So goodnight, Larry. Goodnight, computer. I'm going to shut out the lights now and do some not sleeping. As I day dream about raising sheep (something I thought I might do post child rearing) I will pay special attention to my ceiling fan and count it as Zen.